Not Called

Today is the feast day of St Francis, the patron saint of animals, the environment and ecology. The day when we remember this small medieval friar who lived the most Christlike life anyone could aspire to – even if he could be a bit shall we say, unhinged at times. It is a day of celebration and joy for Franciscans all over the world.

Now as many of you will know, I have been discerning my call to the Third Order for some time. Okay, five years, one as a postulant and four as a novice which is getting on a bit, but to be fair, probably not the record. It’s been a particular sort of liminal space where in all honesty, I could have travelled either way. Called or Not Called?

And I have decided after many conversations and some considerable time and so very much deliberation and bucketfuls of doubt that I am Not Called to take professional vows.

 It’s taken me so long and been such a hard place to reach, chiefly because I do tune into a lot of how members of the Third Order live their lives. The Third Order says it wants to make our Lord known and loved everywhere. It wants to spread the spirit of love and harmony. It asks that its members live simply. Bring it on! You can’t fall out with any of that. Also, the keynotes of a Tertiaries’ life are love, joy, and humility and what our world needs right now is more people signing up to a bit of love, joy, and humility.

And I like Franciscan theology. I love the idea of the centrality of the Incarnation, the view that God’s creation reflects his divine goodness. I love the fact that Franciscans are both people of prayer as well as people of action. I like the idea of the contemplative way of life even though I’m rubbish at it myself.

But is that a calling? When Jesus called his disciples on the shores of Lake Galilee, did they ponder – well I like what he’s saying, but what are his aims and objectives? What’s his theology like? Is he even a rabbi? Anyone seen his manifesto? Has he written a Rule of Life?

The gospels talk about the disciples following the call of Jesus ‘at once’ and ‘immediately.’ They left everything and went with him because they were so convinced of who he was. The Messiah. The Chosen One. They didn’t ask for time to make notes or hang around asking everyone else what they thought. They had a deep, primal, visceral need to answer his call.

And that’s what I’ve been waiting for. That inner grasp of the guts which tells me that this is what I’m meant to do. The knowledge that these are the vows which will bring me an immense and satisfying joy. The realisation that this is the path I must follow. The recognition that these are my people and they are singing my song.

And I just haven’t had that. And, to be honest, I don’t think I ever will.

So, I’ve reached the conclusion that I will leave the Third Order. I can’t in all conscience take vows which don’t echo in my spirit. I can’ t say words which my mind might attest to but my emotions won’t. I’ve been waiting for years to hear The Call, but in the end, I heard the Not Called. Maybe that’s how discernment is sometimes – we know with equal conviction what we are not called to do as much as called.

Goodbye, good people. May the Lord be with you as he is with me, because I really don’t think he minds how we live out our Christian life as long as we live it. A big ‘Thank you’ to all who have walked with me on this sometimes gruelling journey which has taught me much. Enjoy this feast day and know that I am walking also in the steps of this generous, compassionate and faithful saint. Even if I can’t make a declaration of vows.

And nothing is ever wasted, nothing is lost. As Edith Sitwell said back in the day, ‘All in the end is harvest. ‘And all in this end will be harvest.

Go well.

St Francis of Assisi